Stupid DST

I know people always talk about getting rid of DST but seriously, can we do it already? I’ve been lying awake in bed since 5:40am just thinking, and that’s not good for anyone.

So basically yesterday was scary as hell. Because when they talk about recurrence, you think (or at least I think) of it as a repeat of this time: you have a lump, we’ll now remove it, you’ll recover. But the thing I have to be constantly reminded of is that my current case is a best case scenario. If I have a recurrence, it COULD be: you have a lump, the cancer has gone to your lymph nodes, it’s in your bones now, you’re going to die. In the end, when choosing whether or not to follow the recommended treatment plan, the question is: are you feeling lucky, punk? And right now, I do. But is that enough?

I have really been thinking a lot about the baby we were talking about having – I mean, prior to yesterday. I’d say it’s been on my mind daily. Will it be a boy or a girl? If it’s a girl, what clothes of the boys will she be able to wear? How different  will s/he be from the two I have? Will s/he nurse as well as Connie or be a breast refuser like Gregory? I think about it so often it’s almost like I’m already pregnant instead of more than six months out from even starting to try again. I know this all sounds so Sally Homemaker which really isn’t my character but as I said, I really feel like I found my calling in becoming a mother. Yes I have two gorgeous boys but I’d probably have another three if circumstances permitted (they do not – if we do get to have another, it would be our last). Anyhow I’m blathering but maybe this sheds some light on why I’m so resistant to treatment at the onset – I have been basically dreaming of another baby on a daily basis and assuming (stupidly) that if my reproductive system cooperates it’s in the cards, and yesterday was just like a slap in the face.

We are having the Oncotype DX test done. I don’t really understand it fully but I guess it’s a measure of how aggressive a cancer is and how likely it is to recur. If I’m at the low end, I have more freedom with choosing my treatment plan. If I’m medium, they strongly recommend the treatments I have mentioned and possibly chemo. And if I’m at the high end, well, it’s essentially “Have all three treatments or die.” So yes, we’re waiting for yet another test result.

I’m just so sad and angry. I don’t know where to put all this – garbage. I feel completely at a loss, restless and helpless. Such a nose dive from all the good news of the biopsy.

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