Weird, I know. Maybe it’s because the sun is shining, or because I met with Dr. Kaplan last night and he completely changed my outlook on treatment. But I have actually been thinking about this awhile, and there are a couple things that are making this crappy circumstance – well, kind of nice.
First, the community. I have made a friend in Oslo because of this stupid disease. I have gotten inspirational notes of support from friends and family who have been through this. And I have connected and communicated with total strangers, whom I now think of as my BC sisters, through the internet. It’s a strange connection, brought about through loss and fear and all sorts of overwhelming emotions, but it’s a very strong one. When I read about what my sisters are going through, I feel their pain, their anxiety, and their anger. I rage with them and cry with them and try to brainstorm ways to buoy them up when they’re feeling down – and they do the same for me. We’re all in this together, and for the first time in any group I have been a part of, I can honestly say I feel no judgment whatsoever – just support, empathy, and love, love, love. What an amazing group of women, and I feel lucky – lucky! – that this disease has brought me to them, introduced us, and made us blood.
Second, the knowledge. I didn’t know anything about breast cancer. I am actually a little embarrassed and ashamed of how little I knew, now that I know so much. I am so grateful for this knowledge because knowledge is power, and it’s going to take power to beat this and hopefully, if I am lucky, help other women beat theirs.
Finally, of course, I am so happy this reconnected me with my Dad. I know it’s crazy and woo-woo, but it did. And I don’t know if that would have happened otherwise but it has now. And pretty much anytime I think of him I can feel him close by and he is not ever the angry Dad I faced so often growing up. We’re like old friends now, and sometimes he looks worried, but most of the time he is smiling.
So yeah, would I rather NOT have breast cancer? You betcha. But I do, and in spite of its best efforts, it’s not all bad.
Now if everyone can please just cross their fingers that my Oncotype DX test returns with a LOW recurrence score, that’d be great. I’ll update as soon as I have it!