Got my port installed today. I know the correct term is “inserted” but the fact is they cut a hole in me, put in a device, and ran a tube from said device to my jugular vein. It’s now “hooked in” to me, and I say that’s installation. Julian said I should have asked if it came with a USB charger.
It’s not too bad. I had sleepy time anesthesia (as opposed to general) so I didn’t get sick or anything. I have some pain pills that don’t seem to do much. (Maybe I have just been staying ahead of the pain curve.) The port site itself hasn’t started to hurt at all but my necks feels like I have a really bad muscle strain. It hurts to move it and even talk, and boy you don’t realize how much you use those neck muscles to get up and down from a prone position! But if I’m lying still and not talking I mostly just feel a little fragile. I have a bloody spot on my neck and a bandage over the port so I don’t know what it looks like yet. But the same surgeon who did my lumpectomy did the installation so I have great faith.
In other news, my sister Gret had previously mentioned that she thought this might be hard for me, because I would feel like my body betrayed me. She has good reason to think that – I felt that way when I was 21 and had to have a LEEP procedure, and I felt that way when my first son was born and we were both terribly ill (him near death). Today I read an older blog post by a fellow warrior and she mentioned the same feelings, and at that point I realized I do NOT feel betrayed by my body – I feel like my body and I, we’re on the same team. And that team is TEAM SUCK IT, CANCER. I pulled an analogy out of thin air and now I’m super wedded to it – my body is an army, my mind is the General, and the cancer is an invader that picked the WRONG country to occupy. You don’t go into battle without knowing there will be casualties – and I feel much sympathy for the army. We’re losing pieces, we’re being cut into, and we’re about to bust out chemical warfare that will harm our own numbers. But in the end? It’s not us that’s going down. It’s the intruder.
Leah, Gitte, Hannah, and all my other warrior sisters – put on your armor. Shit’s about to get real.