Out of the frying pan, into the fire.

I went in today for what I thought was going to be my first radiation treatment, but it turns out the first treatment is actually just a dry run to get ready for the first actual treatment, which will be tomorrow. So basically I got myself all anxious for nothing.

They got me all set up on the table, located my tattoos, drew around them in magic marker so they could easily find them again tomorrow, and then took some X-rays. In between, they came in and drew on me with more magic marker so I could see what the treatment area would be and thus know where to apply the calendula lotion.

All this time I had been lead to believe that they were just going to shoot a radiation beam into the right side of my breast and it would be a super quick zap and I’d be on my way. So it was quite the shock when she drew on me in several different places all around my breast.

I went to get changed after and saw that there were green marker marks essentially from the top of my breast bone between my breasts extending down around the bottom of my breast all the way back up the outside of my breast and well into my armpit – nearly to my back.

I went out to the waiting room and met Julian in silence. I told him super quietly that it had just been a dry run and that the real therapy would be tomorrow. As we walked out he told me that he’d looked at his schedule and could come with me again tomorrow and – are you all right? You look upset. At which point I began fighting back tears, and told him I’d explain once we were in the car.

Once in the car I started weeping quietly and explained that the treatment area was much larger than I expected. They have fucked with my entire body for the last three and a half months and one of the only places I HAVEN’T had major issues is my skin, so of course they have to follow up with this. And this is MY body, but it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it belongs to me right now, and I might not love it all the time, but it’s the only one I’ve got and I’m sick of people screwing with it.

Then I sucked it up and decided that if I can make it through chemo and baldness, I can make it through this. But it still sucks and I hate cancer so much.

Finally, I have been having a lot of muscle pain in my legs and arms and also pretty severe joint pain in my hips. I am not sure if it’s the chemo or the Lupron, so I emailed Dr. Kaplan, who said we could chat about it. I asked him to call me when he had a few minutes to chat and he has not so I am a bit disgruntled about that, so I guess I’ll try to call him tomorrow.

That’s basically all the news I have for now ALTHOUGH I do need to post about eyebrow pencils, and I think I will do that on my other blog and cross-post to here.

OH and my friend Jen buzzed my head last night for what I hope will be the final time. Come on, little hairs! Make yourselves known!

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