Complicated: an addendum

Complikated is what I named this blog, because it’s life, and it’s me. It’s everything, really; nothing is ever simple, or what it seems.

Complicated now perfectly describes my mind’s relationship with my body. Am I strong or weak? Did I survive or surrender? Am I young or old? And does any of it matter?

It seems like this setback is about a miscarriage – although can I even call it that? I was three days attached to an idea, I’m not sure if that even qualifies. But that could just be me selling myself short, as I always do – my births don’t count because they were C-sections, my breast cancer doesn’t count because I only needed a lumpectomy and am now cancer-free. That latter is a topic for another blog, though, so let me return to the topic at hand. This is and isn’t about a lost pregnancy, or the idea of a lost pregnancy. That is what put me here, back inside a dark space, groping for answers that don’t seem to exist. I am grieving, yes, because as stupid as we knew it was, we were making plans. But that’s not the whole of it. Not nearly.

I am living inside a body I no longer feel connected to and that I do not understand. Before cancer, my period came reliably – every 26 days before birth control, every 28 days after. It was the same period every month, light, then heavier, then a day of nothing, then a final day. My skin always broke out the week before. I always thought I looked thinner when it was over. It only disappeared when I was pregnant and came back soon (too soon) after I was not. I knew the cramps. I knew the mood swings. I knew my body and what it was doing.

Then cancer. Why? Who can say. Too much milk as a kid. Years of birth control. Eighteen years of second hand smoke. Adverse Childhood Experiences.  A gene they have yet to identify. Dumb luck. But suddenly my body was a stranger. Some part of me had turned against itself and I didn’t know why or how. And to treat it, I had to abuse myself, first with surgery, then with poison, then with more poison. I had to make decisions based on data, not on what my body was telling me, because I could no longer trust my body. I COULD NO LONGER TRUST MY BODY. This body that has walked me through 39 years, two marriages, three pregnancies, two children, life, love, depression – it had been keeping secrets from me and I could no longer believe what it had to say. I could no longer assume fresh air and plenty of vegetables and walks in the woods were enough. I had to take up arms against my own body, and so I did.

I think I knew all the possible long-term effects. No, that’s not true, I didn’t. I didn’t know about tendinitis and IBS, two issues that now plague me post-chemo. I did know about the fertility issues, but I think I didn’t believe. So reliable, my period. Besides that ruptured tube, my fertility was a given. It was never could we have a third child; no, we were so naive, so oblivious to our privilege – it was would we, as in, did we want to. As though it would happen based upon our whims. As though we could control it. Even before chemo. Even after.

I feel myself growing long-winded and obscure now, so I will just stop meandering and get to the meat of the issue, which is that this is one more indication that my body still operates on a separate plane from my mind, that it is still unreliable and untrustworthy, a cage I now feel trapped in instead of a vehicle my spirit is at one with. Somehow my butterfly of a heart got it into its head that it was free, and in so doing, bashed itself against the walls of its cage until its wings were broken and the cage floor covered in dust. And so it is about the miscarriage, of course, but only because it brought my mind back down to earth, reminded it of who is in charge, that it should expect nothing joyous anymore from this deceptive shell.

I know this is dark, and I feel the need to apologize for that, but as I said, this has cast me back to a dark place. A slap across the face to bring me back to the reality of my situation, which is that I have survived, but only just, and that I cannot count on anything.

Missed Conceptions

Last month – May 9th, to be exact – I started spotting. It never got heavy, but it lasted for a full five days.

My oncologist said it was just my hormones trying to normalize. My gynecologist examined me and said there was nothing wrong and it could by my period or just hormonal spotting. Desperate to know if, after a year and a half, my body was finally normalizing, I took a digital ovulation test, which showed that yes, I was ovulating – on Julian’s birthday.

My “period” should have come back on or around the 4th – the 6th. I took several pregnancy tests, which all came back negative. On Conor’s third birthday, I took one that came back positive. Julian and I were both in shock, which, over the course of several days, morphed into excitement and joy.

Because my first pregnancy resulted in a ruptured tube, life-threatening internal bleeding, and emergency surgery, as soon as I discover I am pregnant I have to get two hCG tests two days apart. When a pregnancy is in the uterus, hCG levels roughly double every 48 hours. With ectopic pregnancies, hCG creeps up much more slowly. I had my hCG tested on Tuesday and it was very low, which was expected – I was only very newly pregnant. Yesterday, I inexplicably started getting a sinking feeling that I was not pregnant. Julian thought I was being crazy, but I felt sure there was some error – in spite of the positive home and blood tests – and I was not actually pregnant.

This morning I called to ask if that was possible, and the nurse called me back with my second hCG results. My hCG had stayed stable – not moved at all. She said that indicated that conception had occurred, but that for whatever reason, it had not developed or continued. She said I would get my period as normal, and could try again next month. I asked if there was any possibility that I was actually still menopausal, that perhaps it had been a false positive and I had never been pregnant at all. She said she didn’t think so, that menopause wouldn’t cause hCG to rise, and that very likely my body was ready and I should just keep trying.

I hung up with her and wept.

I have so many thoughts and they’re all jumbled so I’m just going to word vomit them here. I just had a miscarriage. I wonder if I conceived in the ruptured tube and then it traveled down and was not able to get to the uterus. Should we even try again? I’m kind of old. I thought this was a miracle. Is my body actually back to normal? I’m so fucking tired of wondering where I stand. Chemo really fucked me up. Why did we have to get that positive result? I could have just kept going along not knowing. This feels like a cruel prank. At least I can drink when I go visit my sister. Should I bother to ovulation test again? Will my period come again? When? Did I really know I wasn’t pregnant, or was that just fear talking? Being a woman is bloody impossible. Fuck you, cancer. Julian was so happy. I am so disappointed. I feel like a disappointment. I am both devastated and unsurprised. I knew it was too good to be true. I am surprised by how excited and thrilled I was. I am surprised I let myself get so invested so fast. I really don’t know if I can do this again.

Finally: I am strong, and I just need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep moving forward.

I’m okay!

Okay first a short bit of clarification.

It’s not like I am desperate to have a baby – that’s not what all the tears were about yesterday. I have two awesome babies – I am luckier than many! But we definitely were seriously considering another baby, and it just sucks to have that choice taken away. When my period came back that one time in June, I honestly thought, “Wait, maybe I don’t want another baby!” I just want to have the choice.

Much of the sadness/anger revolves around not the reproductive side of menopause, but the physical side. I have hot flashes constantly, and they’re miserable. They’re made worse by alcohol, so even a glass of wine can set them off. I have sore hips and a stiff back. My skin breaks out. I’m bloated and irritable. my hands are swollen and stiff every morning. I am forgetful. These are all menopause symptoms. I had hoped my hormone test would come back on the pre-menopausal side, so I could look forward to these annoyances tapering off. Instead, I’m still in the middle of menopause, which means I could be dealing with this stuff for a long time yet to come – years, even.

Anyhow, I talked to Dr. K last night and really there was nothing new – my numbers look bad for my period right now, but he says they can’t predict what will happen over the next four months (end of March is one year from the end of chemo). He says he has 75 year-old women with lower estradiol than mine, so it’s just a question mark right now. In three months he’ll test my blood again and see what the numbers are. Until then, I continue to wait.

But I’m okay. I’m great, actually. I have an amazing family and an awesome life and wonderful, supportive friends. And I’m alive and cancer free, so for now I’m just going to suck it up and deal with the little physical set backs and hope for better days ahead with regard to that!

Hormones and Grief (Video)

A 5-minute video about what’s going on with me. Apologize for the mood and for not just typing it instead – just don’t have it in me to type this up right now. If this doesn’t work, I also uploaded it as unlisted on YouTube: https://youtu.be/Ap5svJsM6V0

I also want to add that it’s not just the baby thing that is upsetting me. It’s all the physical ailments, which are being ascribed to “hormones,” and have no end in sight. It’s going through menopause before my time, before I’m even forty. It’s feeling cheated and old and helpless. It’s everything.

#Cancerland

This is so, so important. Like this woman, I knew nothing about metastic breast cancer when I was diagnosed, and only found information on it on my own after I began treatment. 

http://www.refinery29.com/2016/10/124446/cancerland-champagne-joy-interview

I do have to add that her words and perspective are very dark and not all exactly true. I have an estrogen driven cancer but mastectomy and hysterectomy were never a suggestion made to me. Likewise, many people live many, many years with metastases. Still, it’s very important to understand metastatic breast cancer and that no one is really a “survivor” after a breast cancer diagnosis – we will all spend the rest of our lives wondering.

Pinktober

I am writing a whole long post on Pinktober and I hope to finish it in the next couple days, but in case I don’t, here’s a nutshell.

I am not opposed to breast cancer awareness month. I do get sick of the pink. Not every company that sells pink stuff is actually donating any of the proceeds to charity. I walk for the American Cancer Society because they personally reached out to me and had a positive impact on me during treatment. Yes a lot of these charities spend a lot of money on administration and marketing/outreach – they have to so that they can make money and actually help current sufferers. If all money went to research we still might not have a cure PLUS no one would be donating because they hadn’t heard of the charities PLUS current sufferers wouldn’t have anywhere to turn.

All that said OH MY GOD STELLA & DOT I AM DISGUSTED. I just started repping for Stella & Dot and did see they have a “Breast Cancer Awareness” line in rose gold (quite lovely, actually) with proceeds going to a charity called Bright Pink that is not yet ranked on Charity Navigator. A little shady but who knows, maybe it’s good. Then today I received a stylist email from them that contains the following phrase:

Here’s how Director, Annette Ultis, is following the 3 steps of prospecting using Breast Cancer Awareness to get her $1000!

First of all, way too many commas. And then, why not just say what you mean, gals? “Here’s how Director Annette Ultis is shilling our goods by exploiting people’s good nature and guilt for her (and our) profit!”

Absolutely abhorrent. Even though I have JUST invested in this company, I now have to consider if I want to continue working with them. They were supposedly founded by women for women, and really try to cultivate that “we’re all empowering each other” feeling, which has been a little shellacked but otherwise nice. This, however, is reprehensible. I replied and cc’ed my lead and will see how they reply, but I am feeling very betrayed and angry.

It’s funny because till now I have been very chill about Pinktober and pinkwashing – it happens, it’s the way it is, it’s not worth getting my nose all out of joint over. Thanks, S&D, for changing that for me. Grrr.

Anyhow. Feel free to join my walk team or make a donation to the ACS, which has PERSONALLY HELPED ME and other women I know with breast cancer, here: http://main.acsevents.org/goto/katejig

Beyond that, buyer beware. Check your charities and be sure the company you’re supporting is in it to help people – not just in pursuit of the almighty dollar.

 

One Year Later – Cancerversary Post

September 11th was my one-year cancerversary. (pause for applause)

I don’t really know how I feel. And I don’t even know what I’ve covered before and I don’t feel like going back and looking so I’m just going to start fresh here. Some of the things I say might be repeats – just take it that I still feel the same, as opposed to me repeating myself.

Well, first, I had my first post-treatment mammogram yesterday. When I had my pre-treatment mammogram, it was nbd. I mean it wasn’t something I’d choose to do, it didn’t feel good, but it wasn’t awful.

Yesterday was awful.

I don’t know why and I haven’t yet googled it, but the mammo on my right breast (RB, or Ruby as she came to be known) was excruciating. It didn’t help that it had to be done at three different angles and then twice more with a magnifying lens. If you haven’t had a mammo, you probably only have a vague idea about what it entails. Essentially she took a shot of each breast with me sitting and facing the machine, one boob at a time smashed between a plastic tray and a metal tray, which are pressed together by a machine and then given a final hand crank. I then stood for all of the remaining shots, which also involved smashing. By the final shot, which was the very most painful, I started feeling nauseated. As soon as the shot was over I sat down and put my head between my legs so I didn’t pass out. Then I got all whiny and emotional and why me for a second and started to cry before I glanced at the People magazine I had been reading on the counter, which was open to a blurb about how the remains of an 11-year-old kid who’d been abducted at gun point 27 years ago had finally been found. And suddenly I realized breast cancer is honestly far from the worst thing that could happen to me.

Something I know I haven’t touched on before now is that my period came back that one time, but hasn’t returned since. The hot flashes came back with a vengeance and I definitely experienced some real sadness, verging on depression, as a result of the way my body has been affected. It’s hard because the symptoms I continue to experience aren’t from cancer, but from chemotherapy and/or radiation – I had no symptoms from cancer. So there are times when I think, maybe it would have been better if I hadn’t found it. Maybe I should have just let nature take its course and allowed the cancer to do what it was going to do. Of course that’s absurd, but sometimes the physical remnants of the treatment make me a little absurd.

I do wish they had prepared me better for what to expect after, but I suppose that would probably drastically reduce the number of people who would be willing to go through treatment, thus drastically reducing survivorship. My last chemo was March 30, so my 6-months out date will be September 30th – but if you’re really counting when that chemo was totally finished, probably more like mid-October. Six months is significant because the general consensus is that all chemo-related symptoms should resolve between six months and a year post chemo.

Symptoms I continue to struggle with include sore hips, knees, and back, stiffness after sitting, swollen, painful hands and trigger finger in the morning, hot flashes and loss of fertility, digestive issues (enough said), and of course the aforementioned tender right breast. I also have soreness and scar tissue buildup at my port incision site and also along where the catheter was so that when I stretch my head back it looks like the catheter is actually still in my neck.

All these things may sound trivial on their own, but when combined, they have presented a difficult hurdle for me. I was very strong and (I thought) healthy prior to my diagnosis and treatment, so to go from a mom who could do everything with her kids to a mom who struggles to go from sitting to standing has been a real blow. And funny enough, HAHA, I left loss of mental acuity and ability to plan and organize out in the paragraph above because I thought that was finally resolving, but AS I AM TYPING THIS my therapist just called because I was supposed to be at her office at 2 and it’s now quarter past – I completely forgot. So yeah, safe to say my brain is still being affected.

This has been an incredibly whiny post and for that I apologize. I guess the crux of what I am getting at is this: yeah, it’s over, but it’s not OVER. I have hair and eyelashes again, my mammogram was clear, I’m six months out of chemo, but I’m still affected every day, both physically and mentally. So I guess – just don’t expect rainbows and unending gratitude from breast cancer survivors. Getting the cancer out, getting through treatment, that’s a battle. But I’m still fighting the war, and I think in some ways I will be for the rest of my life. Just because cancer didn’t kill me (yet) doesn’t mean everything is back to normal. This is a longer road than I anticipated.

But I’m walking it, and I’m grateful to be doing so with so many people who love and support me.