I don’t know why. I felt bad about this chemo for the last week – I think because it should have been my “good” week, but instead I was quite sick with a cold. I rallied twice to go out for events we had tickets to, but paid for it in that I’m still not quite well.
My Mom didn’t come out for this one – she came out for the last two and is coming out for the next one, and it’s just not fair to make her make that long trip over and over. She never quite has time to get over her jet lag, she ends up working the whole time she’s here, and she has her own life(s), at home in PA and down in GA. So I think I was missing her, too.
Another factor is that we originally thought we’d only be doing 4 cycles, so this one could have been my last… but instead we have three more rounds of side effects to get through. So that is a downer.
Also, as mentioned previously, I haven’t been sleeping. So I was up at 4:30 this am and haven’t slept since. That will get anyone down. The doc has prescribed me gabapentin. Fingers crossed.
It was just Julian and me solo, and he was really not feeling well, so I had some guilt about having him there. I felt helpless because here I am descending into sickness again, totally unable to help or comfort him. Plus I was already feeling pretty sad, and looking at him feeling grim and unhappy was only adding to my misery. I begged him to go home but he remained steadfastly at my side.
So I cried. Quite a bit. Pretty much as soon as the infusion started. It’s just overwhelming and depressing sometimes. Mostly I am really good at staying positive and counting my MANY blessings. I guess today just wasn’t one of those days.